Still waiting to fly the coop

 

Journal entries from a very frustrated 18, almost 19 year old me.

Feb 1, 1989 

I HATE that bitch! She absolutely REFUSES that I go to school today! Well, whoopee fucking do! If I could, I'd take my car. But I think dad took the damn thing to work. Mom (the BITCH) won't let me use her car, "No way in hell!" But Mommy dear, you bitch, we aren't in hell. It's 20 degrees below zero, how CAN we be in Hell? You bitch.

I wish I had went ahead and moved. 
I'd have more time for drama (In other words, I could try out for plays!) and also, I wouldn't have to put up with the bitch whenever the weather got a little cold. I'd be right there close, and there wouldn't be ANY excuse not to go except that I might be sick. I wish Max had never come. I'd be down there by now and I wouldn't have to live with this bitch who thinks she knows every fucking thing there is to know. I wouldn't have to listen to her "OH MY GOD! it is SO BAD out there!" And it's only cloudy. 
Shit, if I stayed home every fucking time it was cloudy, I'd NEVER make it. It's all her fault I'm missing today. If she had just let me move... I wouldn't be here. The BITCH. I hate her fucking guts. It's not even that bad outside. So it's snowing. Big deal. I can't let a few measly snowflakes ruin my life. Here she comes (the bitch). I think I'll try to lose myself in a book. Either that, or I could kill the bitch. I wonder if I could finish college from prison?

 

Feb 3, 1989 

I'll kill her before the weekend is over if she doesn't chill out. I SWEAR it! I haven't been to school since Tuesday. One more day and I'll be dropped. Mom doesn't think it's any big deal; that I could just start all over. But it's not that easy. I'd have to pay back the financial aid AND pay for next quarter myself. I don't have that kind of money. If I did, I wouldn't be worried about financial aid. Y'know, I think mom would be HAPPY if I dropped out of school, or was kicked out. She would absolutely LOVE it!! She always has been jealous of me. I HATE it when she gets so darn jealous of me. 

 

Feb 5, 1989 

Well, it looks like I get to go to school tomorrow. FINALLY! I can't WAIT!

The thing of it is: Mom doesn't want me to work. If I keep taking days off, they're gonna fire me. Then I'll have to search around for another job. She just doesn't understand the importance of a job. She thinks I can survive on nothing. I wish it were true. Save me some money! But it's not true. By far! But what am I to do? Nothing. Because as long as I'm living under her roof, I have to abide by her rules. Boy, I can't WAIT to move out! IF she ever lets me. I came so close this last time. But thanks to Max and the stooges, that chance is long gone. 

 

Feb 6, 1989 

Oh, why can't mom realize that I'm not a child anymore? I should be able to make MY OWN decisions! But she won't let me and it's beginning to piss me off. She doesn't realize how important that job is to me. She wants me to take another week off! I couldn't believe it when she said last night, "Now, you are to get right home after your last class! None of this working or fooling around." I wish so much that I could move out. But I know she's not going to let me, now. I will be forever stuck in her clutches. It's hopeless. It I ever get married, she'll probably move in with us... I wouldn't put it past her to want to sleep in the same room!

------------------

She REALLY did not want me to leave or continue my education. She was jealous of me because I didn't get pregnant at 15 like she did, I graduated high school and was taking college courses, in her mind I was getting smarter than her. She wasn't happy about it AT ALL. 

The snow "storm" that was mentioned above was localized. Ten miles south east of town, the roads weren't even wet. When I tried to explain to my college profs about being stuck in the snow storm, they looked at me like I'd grown a second head.
"What snow?" was the repeated question. 



 

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