On the Bright Side

  Journal entries from a very frustrated 18, almost 19 year old me. Feb 1, 1989  I HATE that bitch! She absolutely REFUSES that I go to school today! Well, whoopee fucking do! If I could, I'd take my car. But I think dad took the damn thing to work. Mom (the BITCH) won't let me use her car, "No way in hell!" But Mommy dear, you bitch, we aren't in hell. It's 20 degrees below zero, how CAN we be in Hell? You bitch. I wish I had went ahead and moved.  I'd have more time for drama (In other words, I could try out for plays!) and also, I wouldn't have to put up with the bitch whenever the weather got a little cold. I'd be right there close, and there wouldn't be ANY excuse not to go except that I might be sick. I wish Max had never come. I'd be down there by now and I wouldn't have to live with this bitch who thinks she knows every fucking thing there is to know. I wouldn't have to listen to her "OH MY GOD! it is SO BAD out ...

  Journal entries from a 17 and 18 year old me. Jan 1, 1988 7:52pm I wish I had someone to talk to about college and about getting out on my own. I get so scared about graduation and I shouldn't be. And mom's not really helping any by treating me like a 15 year old. She won't always be able to go shopping with me, but she thinks that if she doesn't let me grow up, it'll never happen. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm scared shitless about growing up, Mom don't WANT me to grow up, I don't have anybody I can talk to about my feelings...  September, 5, 1988 10:38 pm I can't wait til I can get my own place. Mom and Dad were getting on my case because Jean and I went for a walk. We left around 5:00 pm and didn't get back until 7:45 pm or so. I had hoped that the folks were starting to realize that I'm old enough to more or less be "on my own". Well, my dream was shattered today. Sept 16, 1988 5:52 pm I can't ...

 July 12, 1984 (at Maxine's) Mom said a lady came by and asked if she could have Shadow, Puss, Tiny, Noisy, Speedy and Toby. I don't mind the kittens going, but I'll miss Shadow and Puss. Butter is sick and Mom said they might have to put him to sleep. I don't think so though, when you just have ring-worm. July 13, 1984 (at Maxine's) Mom has ring-worm terribly and I couldn't go home today. I have to stay here until Wednesday. July 14, 1984 (at Maxine's) Last night when Marta was asleep I cried and cried and cried. I want to go HOME! I want my Butterball! I'm so homesick. July 16, 1984 (at Maxine's) I'm so homesick it's pathetic. I WANT TO GO HOME! July 18, 1984 (at home) Hi. Today I found out that I will never ever again see my Butterball because he had to be put to sleep. Mom said she called Maxine and told her to tell me but she didn't. I miss him so SO much. I'll never ever see him again. He's dead. I wish I ...

September 17, 2021 My half sister Anita is/was eleven years older than me. She died in April 2013. Her favorite thing to do to me was to come up to me, ask, “What’s worse than a tornado?” then, before I could get away, she’d reach out, grab a breast, pinch and twist it and at the same time screech out, “A TITTY TWISTER!” This was never fun for me because it would leave bruising around my nipples. And sometimes she would even get a hold of both of them. I vividly remember being four years old and her tackling me to the ground, then tickling my ribs so hard that it left bruises and I wound up peeing all over the floor. Guess who got yelled at for peeing all over? Yup. Whenever Dad was around, he would pull her off me. But if it was just the egg donor, she’d get up and leave the room. When I was five, Anita told the high school guidance councilor that she was beaten, locked in a closet and forced to clean the entire house by herself. The 1970s version of Child Protective Service...

September 16, 2021 As far back as the early 80s I knew there was something different about my mother, henceforth to be known as the egg donor. She didn't have close friends, she treated me like crap behind closed doors and she would claim that people were peeking into her bedroom window. She even claimed that the next door neighbors were doing things to intentionally drive her crazy and she would force me out of bed in the mornings to go sit on the front porch to spy on them. These people would be outside mowing their lawn, washing their car, pulling weeds, painting the house... normal things. Yet she would insist that they were doing so to intentionally drive her crazy. After I graduated 8th grade, life became doubly hellish for me. The egg donor had dropped out of 8th grade to have a baby and she would lament about her lost education. As I began 9th grade, she would tell me that I had become "too big for your britches" and that she would have to "take you down ...